The Breeder: The Parody!
by Jason Gaston
Summary: A parody that pokes fun at the episode, "The Breeder"


The Breeder: The Parody 

The Breeder   
The Parody   
by Jason Gaston

Rembrandt, Quinn, Wade, and Maggie ran screaming through a dense forest as those little pancake things from that Star Trek episode flew all around them. 

"We have fifteen seconds until we slide!" Rembrandt announced waving his arms in the air swatting at his assailants. 

One of the little pancake things hit Maggie square in the butt. "That is so rude!" she said as she pulled it off her posterior and held it in front of her face. "Let's see how you like this!" 

Before Quinn could say anything to stop her (not like that would have helped anyway) Maggie took the creature, chewed it up and swallowed it. 

"Maggie...," Wade said in shock, "That was... the most... disgusting thing I ever saw." 

"You just have to show them who's boss," she explained, "I use the same technique to paper train puppies." 

The other sliders stood and stared at her until the timer finally beeped. "Time to go," Rembrandt said as he activated the wormhole off camera to save a little money in the effects department. 

One by one, the sliders jumped in. Before Maggie slid, she let out a giant belch that was still echoing in the hills long after the wormhole closed. 

On the next world, Wade noticed something odd. "That's odd," she said, "Where's Maggie?" 

"Who cares about Maggie?" Quinn asked. 

None of the other sliders could answer. 

Quinn, Remmy, and Wade were attracted to a nearby bush by some strange noises only to find Maggie foaming at the mouth and barking like a dog. 

"I suppose we'd better get her a doctor," Quinn said sighing. 

A few hours after calling 9-1-1, the paramedics finally arrived to find Maggie in a vegetative state. The head paramedic took out a freezing gun and shot her - crygenically freezing her for the trip to the hospital. 

"Wow," Wade said, "Bitch-cicle!" 

At the hospital, the sliders met up with Doctor LaNaughty who questioned them about Maggie's condition. 

"Has she eaten anything unusual the past couple of hours?" the doctor asked. 

Quinn fidgeted, "One of those pancake things from that Star Trek episode." 

"That'll do it." LaNaughty said nodding. "What are her problems?" 

"Irritability, bad characterization, bitchiness, low fan base, no viewer appeal, her boobs are too big..." 

"I mean now, Miss Welles." LaNaughty said running low on patients. "Forget it. Let me show you something." 

Dr. LaNaughty led them to the area where Maggie was thawing out and showed them an x-ray of Maggie's chest. 

"I knew they couldn't be real!" Wade said. 

Quinn handed a smiling Rembrandt a ten dollar bill. 

"This is what I wanted to show you!" LaNaughty said as she tapped forcefully on a different x-ray. "As you can see there is something we can't identify in the stomach." Dr. LaNaughty drew their attention to an unidentifiable mass that looked somewhat like the skeletal remains of a small puppy next to a thing the size and shape of a banana. 

Meanwhile, in the next room, in until now-forgotten popcicle that is Maggie Beckett finally stirred and looked around the room. 

"Now take a look at this x-ray," Dr. LaNaughty said totally oblivious as to what was going on. "In this picture, the banana shape has turned into a pear shape and the puppy bones have re-arranged." 

Maggie got up and stood behind the sliders watching the x-rays. Finally, she got bored and left and none of her companions were aware of it. 

"And in this x-ray, we see that the pear shaped thing looks more like a profile of Jay Leno. And in this x-ray, we see that Jay Leno has turned into the state of Texas." Dr. LaNaughty changed slides, "Now let me show you pictures of my trip to Branson, Missouri." 

The next day, Quinn noticed a vagrant on the street. As he bent down to give him some spare change, he noticed something familiar. "Maggie, is that you?" 

"You are correct sir!" she said as she coughed up a strange green phlegm. 

Quinn and the other sliders led the dizzy and confused Maggie back to the hospital, but not before the big twist in the story happened which I am about to tell you about now. 

Walking by a sidewalk cafe, the sliders bore witness to a woman in his twenties being kidnapped by two thugs in a black van. Rather than mind their own business and make their lives infinitely less complicated, Quinn, Wade, and Rembrandt jumped into the melee and tried to save the complete stranger from a strong possibility of harm. 

Of course, they got their asses kicked and Quinn and Wade were hauled off leaving Rembrandt alone on the side walk with Maggie who was waving her hands in front of her face mumbling something about "the colors." Rembrandt walked over to her as the van pulled away. 

"Did anything about that seem odd to you?" Maggie asked as she managed to pull herself into the realm of normal thought for a few seconds. 

"Yeah, there was a scuffle and the black man wasn't arrested!" Rembrandt answered as he made the "yes" maneuver and spun on his heels. 

A few minutes later, Rembrandt has hauled Maggie's worthless carcass to a hotel where she took a shower as the crying man dialed 9-1-1 to find out what had happened to his friends. "Yes, I'll hold," he said impatiently. 

Maggie strolled out of the shower. Her wet robe clinging every square inch of her shiny porcelain body. She slinked up to Rembrandt and gently caressed his face. 

"Damn, it's hot in here!" Rembrandt sighed blissfully unaware of Maggie's predatory advances. "Well no wonder, someone turned the thermostat up to "fires of hell"!" 

Rembrandt remembered the phone and picked it back up, "Hello? Yes? Well, I put YOU on hold... how do you like them apples? I know it hurt your feelings. I... No, wait... don't cry! Don't cry! I'm sorry. Can you give me the information I asked for?" Rembrandt listened for two seconds, said thank you, then hung up. "It seems that this world has a mandatory organ donor program for everyone under twenty-five. Ever since Ted Kennedy was elected president, his disgraceful drinking habit has led to this senseless slaughter of the nation's youth to replace his liver which has a tendency to fail from time to time. It all started in the mid 1980's when it was decided that all of the youth should be implanted with those cool little blinky-things from "Logan's Run". When they go off, you get taken away and your liver is given to Ted Kennedy!" 

Maggie blinked twice as Rembrandt headed for the door. 

"You're probably wondering where I'm going." Rembrandt said. 

Maggie blinked again, "Actually, I'd be more interested in knowing how you got all of that information from a two second phone conversation." 

"Quinn and Wade are going to be implanted with those little blinky-things," Rembrandt explained, "I'll just go out there with no plan at all and hope that everything works out all right in the end." 

Maggie stood in front of the door, "Don't go yet." 

"I have to," Rembrandt stated. 

Maggie undid Rembrandt's shirt and began unbuckling his pants. "I want you," she whispered. 

"I don't understand," Rembrandt said. 

Maggie slid his pants down and began kissing his upper thigh. "You make me hot!" she sighed. 

"Huh!?" Rembrandt said. 

"I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!" Maggie yelled in frustration. 

"Oh!" Rembrandt said finally getting what was going on. "Don't you think this is a little inappropriate since Quinn and Wade are... mmmffff mmffff mffffff!" 

Maggie kissed him forcefully. Rembrandt pulled himself away momentarily and saw this big slimy tentacle thing sticking out of her mouth. He made the "you've got something in your teeth" sign to Maggie before realizing that the mighty sliding slut had been possessed by an evil entity. 

Maggie lunged at Rembrandt who tried to back away and tripped since his pants were still down around his ankles. Maggs flew out the window and hung on the smooth vertical side of a building panting, growling, and barking at Rembrandt. 

"How are you doing that!?" Rembrandt asked in astonishment. 

"Doing what?" Maggie asked innocently. 

"Hanging on the side of the building! By all laws of gravity and physics and stuff, that's impossible!" 

Maggie looked at the building, looked at the street, looked at Rembrant, made a pitiful whine and then plummeted to the ground. 

"Man, the people at Hustler are never going to believe this one!" Rembrandt whispered to himself as he watched Maggie stagger down the street. 

A few hours later, Rembrandt remembered that Quinn and Wade were going to be implanted with those little blinky-things and went to the hospital to rescue them. Upon reaching the hospital, he realized that he had left his pants in the hotel room so he went back to get them. Upon reaching the hospital again, he realized that he was about to miss "Sanford and Son" so he went back again. Upon reaching the hospital the third time, he realized that he was at the wrong hospital so he called information and was put on hold. Four hours later, he arrived at the right hospital where Quinn and Wade had already been implanted with those little blinky-things. He told them about Maggie and they all went back to Dr. LaNaughty to see what could be done. 

"By studying the x-rays I showed you at the beginning of the episode, I've come to some starting conclusions," Dr. LaNaughty explained, "Number one... the thing in your friend's stomach isn't supposed to be there" 

"Duh!" Rembrandt, Quinn, and Wade said. 

"And number two...," the doctor continued, "This thing could be worth a lot of money." 

"How?" Wade asked. 

"There's a big market for novelty dating items on this world," Dr. LaNaughty explained, "If we can somehow capture, reproduce, and sell this thing in you friend, why.... It'd be bigger than Spanish fly!" 

"Why is she acting so horny and slutty?" Rembrandt asked. 

Dr. LaNaughty "She's looking for a host to incubate her eggs. You know... like that movie. Spec--" 

A lawyer jumped out of nowhere and covered Dr. LaNaughty's mouth. "This episode has nothing to do with that movie! You understand?" 

Dr. LaNaughty nodded more in confusion than understanding. 

Meanwhile, across town, Maggie had somehow managed to pull a very revealing dress from out of nowhere and was looking for love in all the wrong places. 

She stood up in the middle of a seedy bar and screamed at the top of her lungs, "I'm looking for a man! Any man will do! All you have to do is come with me and I'll do things to you you'll be telling your grandchildren about!" 

No one came foreword. 

"Didn't you hear me!?" She screamed again. "I am going to take the first man that comes up here and give him a night of the most exotic sex in his life! Why, the stuff I have in mind is illegal in three states! 

No one came foreword. 

"What's wrong with you people!?" She cried, "I'm attractive! I'm hot! I'm easy!" 

No one came foreword. 

"Well, screw all of you!" she yelled as she stormed out the door. 

What was wrong with them? She thought as she walked out into the street. There I was offering a free night of hot steamy sex to whomever wanted it and there were no takers! 

She glanced up at the sign in front of the bar door and couldn't understand why she couldn't get a date in a place called, "Club Manhole." 

Back at the hospital, Dr. LaNaughty came up with a clue. "This thing in your friend's stomach likes things to be very hot, right?" 

"Right," the sliders answered. 

"So all we have to do is find a place where it's really hot! I'm sure that's where we'll find your friend!" 

Quinn slapped his forehead. "Why didn't I think of that?" 

No one could give him an answer. 

Across town, Maggie was still upset at her apparent inability to get a date, so she took off all of her clothes and got into a motel sauna. This was a great inconvenience to the security guard who had to get off of his fat can and tell her to move along. 

"Miss? Excuse me, Miss?" He called as he looked at the bubbling mass of water. "Wait a minute... that sauna's not plugged in!" He then grabbed his nose and mouth and passed out. 

A few hours later, the body of the security guard was brought to the hospital. "This man died because he inhaled some toxic gases," Dr. LaNaughty explained. "Witnesses saw your friend at the scene fanning her bottom." 

"Okay, let's review. This thing in Maggie wants to reproduce, it likes hot water and steam, and it's looking for men, " Wade said for the benefit of everyone that was either too stupid to keep up with the story so far or for all of the prepubescent teenager boys that were still staring blankly into the TV after Kari Wuher exposed her breasts on national television in the previous scene. 

"Let's go to a restaurant!" Rembrandt exclaimed. 

Wade cocked her head, "Why a restaurant? Do you think we'll find Maggie there?" 

"Oh, no," Rembrandt said sheepishly, "I was just changing the subject." 

"A health spa!" Quinn exclaimed. "It's got hot water, men, privacy, hot water, and food!" 

"Then let's go!" Wade yelled. 

Maggie had apparently been in the same mindset Quinn had because at that very moment, she wandered into a heath spa and began drooling over all of the men in speedos. She decided to take a tour of the place and get a full scope of everything. Once she got to the showers, Maggie got naked (again), got in the showers, and used that tentacle thing in her mouth to kill her tour guide. 

And to make matters even more wacky, that was when the other sliders showed up to look for her. While Rembrandt and Quinn ogled at all of the scantily clad women on stairmasters, Wade put herself to good use and found Maggie wandering aimlessly outside in nothing but a robe and a pair of tube socks. 

"Maggie, are you okay?" Wade asked as if she cared. 

Maggie grabed Wade and threw her up against a wall and in a voice that sounded like one of the chipmunks in a blender she said, "You can't stop me!" 

Wade's bullshit meter went off the scale and she finally fainted because her brain couldn't process anymore. 

Maggie took a moment to fix her hair and fluff her cleavage before proceeding to the steam room where she saw him. The man of her dreams. Big, strong, handsome, and dumb as a post. She disrobed (again) and walked teasingly towards him. She caressed his pecs and gently touched a few unmentionable parts of his body. She looked straight at him. "Are you the gatekeeper?" she asked. 

"I'll be whoever you want me to be," he said in a stereotypical jerk-off male style. 

Unchained Melody began to play out of nowhere as Maggie smiled, grabbed the guys head, and shoved that tentacle thing down his throat. 

Maggie finished doing whatever the hell she was doing to the jerk just as Quinn barged in the steamroom door. "Oh, sorry! I was looking for the can and.... Maggie!!! I'm so glad to see you!" 

Maggie apparently didn't feel the same way for she soon beat the snot out him and waked away (naked as usual). 

Quinn was found and was sent to a doctor for treatment. 

"So, Quinn...," Rembrandt said barely able to contain a fit of laughter, "Tell us again how you ended up unconscious on the floor of a steamroom next to a naked man?" 

"I don't want to talk about it," Quinn said silently. 

Later, at the hospital, Wade and Dr. LaNaughty were trying to get the baby tentacle thing out of the Jerk from the previous scene. 

Dr. LaNaughty came up with an idea of getting the worm thing out of the jerk by putting him in a meat locker and lowering the temperature to "witches ass". Just as Dr. LaNaughty had predicted, the worm evacuated the body and plopped out onto the table. LaNaughty picked it up with a pair of forceps, dropped it, and then stepped on it. "Shit!" she mumbled. "The worm's dead!" 

"No kidding," Wade said as she crossed her arms in frustration. "How's Maggie's boy toy?" 

"Who?" Dr. LaNaughty said, "Oh... dead. Too bad." 

"What!?" Wade exclaimed, "Look! I'm not going to let you do this to Maggie! I want to see her die a painful and excruciating death! Not by freezing!" She then walked out the door and was picked up by the organ donor police. "Gee...," Wade said rolling her eyes, "I wonder who turned me in!" 

A little while later, Quinn and Rembrandt ambushed Dr. LaNaughty and through repeated use of the noogie, got her to release Wade in exchange for a chance to get the breeder worm out of psycho slut. 

Despite the competent and highly trained hospital staff, Dr. LaNaughty set Rembrandt and Quinn out with a couple of freezing guns. After shooting a few cats and birds, they finally got the hang of them. 

"By the way," Quinn said as an afterthought, "How long until we slide?" 

"Uhh...," Rembrandt said, "I kinda forgot to look. You know, Maggie was barking like a dog and foaming at the mouth... It just slipped my mind. 

Quinn understood. 

Both he and Rembrandt went back to the hotel. Once Quinn set foot in the room, the door slammed behind him shutting Rembrandt outside. And there, climbing up the wall and eyeing him lustfully was Maggie. 

"How the hell are you doing that!?" Quinn asked. 

"Doing what!?" Maggie asked. 

"Climbing up a totally smooth wall! That's defies all known laws of gravitation and physics!" 

Maggie shut her eyes and mumbled, "son of a..." before falling to the ground with an audible thud. 

Just then, Rembrandt was able to break down the heavy wood door which fell on Maggie's limp body. "Where is she!?" he asked jumping on the fallen door. 

A few moments later, in the lab, Maggie was shut up in the meat locker as Dr. LaNaughty attempted to lure the worm out of her by lowering the temperature. 

"I say we leave Maggie behind," Wade suggested, "We can risk taking this infection to another world." "You said the same think last week been Maggie caught a cold," Quinn replied, "She's coming with us whether you like it or not." "Damn!" Wade yelled. 

"I can't get the worm out of Maggie without killing her," Dr. LaNaughty announced. 

"And the problem is...?" Wade asked. 

"We need to offer the worm a better place to live. Like a large mammal... a dog... a cow... or a horse," Dr. LaNaughty said ignoring Wade, "That way we wouldn't be risking anyone's life. 

"I have a better idea," Quinn said putting on an overcoat and running to the meat locker, "We'll offer it me." He beat on his chest like Tarzan, "I'm studly!" 

In the meat locker, Quinn stood in front of Maggie's face and breathed on her heavily. Maggie winced under the assault of his breath. The worm finally emerged and slithered slowly towards him. 

"Come.... live in me," he called seductively, "I'm warm! I'm fuzzy! I'm cute!" 

Quinn grabbed a pair of forceps and clamped onto the worm. "I can't hold it!" he said struggling. "The forceps are too slippery!" 

Just as the other sliders ran in to help him, the worm escaped and hid behind a bookshelf. Dr. LaNaughty ran after it without a lot of advanced thought into the matter and ended up the worms new host. 

"Screw her!" Rembrandt said as he activated the wormhole and jumped inside. 

Quinn picked up Maggie's still unconscious body and flung it on his shoulder knocking her head against a few beakers, a heavy steel table, and finally a wall. They jumped in together. 

Wade jumped in last after mumbling something about "god, I hate that bitch." Then the wormhole closed leaving Dr. LaNaughty alone. 

LaNaughty got up, dusted herself off and proceeded to the first man she saw. "Hello," she said as she touched his chest, "and what's your name?" 

"Harvey...," he said, "Harvey Firestien" 

THE END!!! 

Sliders won't be seen next week as FOX brings you the premier of a brand new special, "WORLDS FUNNIEST WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK XIII" 

**MAN:** Help! For the love of god!!! Get this bear off of me!!!   
[The bear bites the man's toupee off]   
**WOMAN:** HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! 


End file.
